Monthly Archives: January 2017

Him

You know when your mind makes fantasies and what ifs? And it occupies your mind for days, weeks, months, even years? It’s procrastination on my part but sometimes, when I think about it, maybe it’s one of my inner desires. Desires that might not even happen.

Anyway, for years I have been thinking on how I would feel if I meet my first boyfriend after four years. Different scenarios ran on my mind. I even lost count. The more I wait, the more exciting it gets.

I really learned a lot from that relationship and as far as I can remember, he was a sincere friend. Needless to say, I felt it was a valuable platonic and romantic relationship. My hopes for a wonderful first meet up fill my mind.

Last December 30, 2016, it finally happened. Ree and I met. We both attended a common friend’s wedding.

So, I saw him. I surveyed every part of his face. I looked long into his eyes. I listened to his words. IT’S STILL HIM! He’s still the same person I remembered. Of course, he gained muscle mass (or fats). He seemed more out going and extrovert. But it’s still him. It’s still the Ree I knew. But at the same time, he’s not THAT Ree. He was trying not to disclose his personal affairs. He even stuttered when I first addressed a question to him. He made it appear he’s not interested. I felt he was uncomfortable with me.

Before Dec 30, I believed I still love Ree (too honest!!!). But in all honesty as well, I did not feel a thing. I’m in awe that I was indifferent. So weird. So weird! Just imagine that I have been thinking about what I would feel for years and then it was an unsatisfying INDIFFERENCE!!!!

The real deal is my assessment on what I felt. I then realized: “I’m no longer in love. I don’t love any body anymore. I’m free!!!!” With such liberty, came sadness. I have always been saying that I want to have a husband, kids, and a family. With this realization, I really have to make time to find a person to love (and make family with, hehe).

But with the circumstances that I have right now, I have to focus hard. I would die if I don’t get my goals. Making damoves would have to wait for at least two years. I hope and pray to experience this magic again: to love and be loved. Not necessarily ¬†with the same person.

Then this morning: irony (and the reason I’m writing this entry). I dreamed about Ree. Very very nice dream. He invited me out before he went to Japan. He asked me if I still love him. I waited for him to say he still loves me. Then I said I still do. And then we hugged and he told me to wait for him to come back from Japan. Mind fuck.