You know when your mind makes fantasies and what ifs? And it occupies your mind for days, weeks, months, even years? It’s procrastination on my part but sometimes, when I think about it, maybe it’s one of my inner desires. Desires that might not even happen.
Anyway, for years I have been thinking on how I would feel if I meet my first boyfriend after four years. Different scenarios ran on my mind. I even lost count. The more I wait, the more exciting it gets.
I really learned a lot from that relationship and as far as I can remember, he was a sincere friend. Needless to say, I felt it was a valuable platonic and romantic relationship. My hopes for a wonderful first meet up fill my mind.
Last December 30, 2016, it finally happened. Ree and I met. We both attended a common friend’s wedding.
So, I saw him. I surveyed every part of his face. I looked long into his eyes. I listened to his words. IT’S STILL HIM! He’s still the same person I remembered. Of course, he gained muscle mass (or fats). He seemed more out going and extrovert. But it’s still him. It’s still the Ree I knew. But at the same time, he’s not THAT Ree. He was trying not to disclose his personal affairs. He even stuttered when I first addressed a question to him. He made it appear he’s not interested. I felt he was uncomfortable with me.
Before Dec 30, I believed I still love Ree (too honest!!!). But in all honesty as well, I did not feel a thing. I’m in awe that I was indifferent. So weird. So weird! Just imagine that I have been thinking about what I would feel for years and then it was an unsatisfying INDIFFERENCE!!!!
The real deal is my assessment on what I felt. I then realized: “I’m no longer in love. I don’t love any body anymore. I’m free!!!!” With such liberty, came sadness. I have always been saying that I want to have a husband, kids, and a family. With this realization, I really have to make time to find a person to love (and make family with, hehe).
But with the circumstances that I have right now, I have to focus hard. I would die if I don’t get my goals. Making damoves would have to wait for at least two years. I hope and pray to experience this magic again: to love and be loved. Not necessarily with the same person.
Then this morning: irony (and the reason I’m writing this entry). I dreamed about Ree. Very very nice dream. He invited me out before he went to Japan. He asked me if I still love him. I waited for him to say he still loves me. Then I said I still do. And then we hugged and he told me to wait for him to come back from Japan. Mind fuck.