Category Archives: Aphorisms

Things that I remember, analyze, dwell, conclude before going to sleep.
In short — stressful things.

For endorphins!

Since January 2017, I felt depressed and stressed. Mainly due to my workmates’ uncomforting work ethics and my demand on myself to be excellent. I need the money from work so I can’t just quit anytime. Couple this with my disinterest in people. I am a yes person so this is definitely alarming.

I seem to be surviving but I reached my boiling point this May 2017. Now, I have the dillema to press my standards or just be forgiving and mediocre. It’s difficult to be kind when you’re already fed up. It’s also challenging to care when you try to be less involved so you won’t have to take things seriously. Lesser stress if you don’t get yourself involved right? Lesser bearing if you don’t value it that much right? That’s what I am to avoid: being indifferent at work.

But I’m more important to myself than the people at work. It’s better that I preserve my sanity than be concerned of their and the clinic’s welfare all the time. Accept them for their substandard work than be stressed. Turn the other cheek than be stressed. I don’t want to be like them– less than mediocre. Just thinking about them makes my cortisol level high.

Goodbye sweets, coffee and sleeping late. Hello to exercise.

I jogged for ten minutes. I almost blacked out. For endorphins!

una

Ma: May balita ka ba kay Ree? Kumusta na sya?
spapoj: Wala Ma e.
Ma: Di na kayo friends? Di ba dapat after mag-break, okay pa rin?
spapoj: Ganoon talaga Ma.

Siguro mga tatlong beses ka nang kinumusta ni Mama sa akin. Ang kakaiba lang e di nga yata lumagpas sa dalawang beses yung pagkakataong nagkausap at nagkasama kayo. Kakaiba na kilala ka pa nya.

Totoo: Di ko na maalala kung gaano na katagal. Ang alam ko lang ay matagal na.

Di totoo: Di na kita naalala. Walang araw na pumasok ka sa isip ko mula nang sinabi kong tama na.

Ganoon pala yun. Kaya pala ang daming love songs. Kaya pala may mga ibang level ang kadramahan sa poems, songs, movie etc.(Nakakatawa lang na I Knew You Were Trouble ni Taylor Swift ang music ngayon.) Sabi nga ni Nagato, “You’ll never understand another’s pain unless you experience the same pain.”

Masakit pala.

Buti na lang effective ang “time heals every wound.” Ang tagal nag-heal ng sa akin. Iyo yata nalagyan mo na ng sebo de macho samantalang itong akin, the last time I checked, I’m no longer bleeding palang ang peg. Pero ang mahalaga naman ay mas nagiging okay, di ba?

So, kumusta ka na? Ilang beses ko na-practice sa utak ko dati kung ano sasabihin ko at kung ano ang gagawin ko kapag by any chance ay magkita tayo. Iniisip ko pa kung anong suot ko, anong ayos ng buhok ko, mag-i-English ba ako o hindi. Puro kababawan. Kaso habang tumatagal, wala na akong interest mag-practice nung speech ko. Di ko na rin inaasam maging maganda, mabango, healthy, matalino, perfect sa iyo. Wala na akong pakialam. Ang galing. Liberating palang sabihin na wala akong pakialam sa iyo. Kapag nagkita nga tayo at tinanong kita kung kumusta ka na, wag kang ma-flatter. Hindi ako interisado. I’m just being polite or tanga (again).

Ang malabo lang sa akin ay from time to time ay kinumusta kita kay God. Ang naiisip kong logical reason (o logical nga ba?) ay mahal pa rin kita.

Mahal na in a sense
Na magaan na pakiramdam ko.
Na napatawad ko na tayo.
Na masaya ako para sa iyo.
Na masaya ako para sa sarili ko.
Na kaya ko nang ipagdasal ka at pamilya mo.
Na nagpapasalamat ako sa lahat ng binigay at di mo ibinigay sa akin; masaya man o nakakairita ang outcome.

Pero syempre hindi na yung sana-tayo-ulit-sana-ako-na-lang-sana-ako-na-lang-ulit na pagmamahal. Hindi na ako yun para sa iyo. Hindi na rin ikaw yun para sa akin.

I gained so much after the pain.
I know now what I deserve;
what I can, can’t, should and could give.

Dapat naniwala ako sa isa kong kaibigan na hindi necessary ang “closure.” Ni-research ko nga pala ibig sabihin nyan. Iba- iba meaning sa iba’t ibang tao. Kaya di ko na lang i-elaborate. Anyway, nung day na sinasabi mong you would do me a favor and give me my closure, I was not asking for one. Sorry. Nilinlang kita. Gusto lang talaga kita makasama ulit. That landi and katangahan day actually dawned to necessary realizations:

Kung hindi ka na mahal, hindi ka na mahal. Kahit sabihin pa nya mga dahilan nya, hindi ka pa rin nya mahal o mamahalin ulit. Kaya tumigil ka na.

I don't know the owner of this art. Credits to him/ her.

I don’t know the owner of this art. Credits to him/ her.

Kaya bitaw time na talaga. Bitaw na.

Nung naglalakad tayo papuntang sakayan, may gusto akong sabihin. Pinigilan ko sarili kong sabihin sa iyo unless hindi sincere. Ngayon kaya ko na.

Salamat nang marami sa lahat ng bagay Ree. You are a beautiful person and I will always be your fan, always aspiring everything that is good for you. I hope and pray that you receive those that you pray and deserve. Mami-miss kita.

Ngayon, kapag naalala kita, napapangiti ako.

Skinny Jeans and Casual Shirts

I have a sister. We are not close. We are not friends. But I borrow a lot of clothes from her. Sometimes, I tell her. Sometimes, I sneak around and then of course she will eventually find out. She does it to me too. But her reactions are outrageous.

For most of the time, I don’t really get it. Because, I don’t really think it’s significant. I guess she harbored a lot of ill feelings to me with such small issue.

Do you know the feeling of regret? When I learned that she was about to go, I actually had relief for my parents. But maybe deep inside, I have that relief for myself. You see, I promised myself that I will avoid stressful people. She is stressful to me. And since I no longer have the patience for such, I felt relief that she was about to leave. However, that also means I will no longer have a sister by our side.

She did went to wherever she needed to go. Eventually, she became accustomed to that place really well. She has been enjoying the country she has been staying. The house is more peaceful but with a hint of loneliness — specially during holidays. I now realized why my father did all that he can to make us all stay in one home.

I agree that we choose who we love. But loving a family member is different. It’s as if it’s inert for us to love them no matter what. We don’t get a choice. It’s natural. Our minds are programmed to love them; to automatically support and love them.

For all these mumblings, I just miss my sister. I miss her more than her skinny jeans and casual shirts. I want her home.

Breaking Up With Friends

It just happens. A week ago, you’re both okay; and then one afternoon, you can no longer stretch your patience.

Sometimes, two people have lived their own worlds too long that when they rendezvous, they don’t have the will to forgive and accept. Maybe we have changed that much and no amount of memory can pull us back together.

But I’m glad we are not friends anymore. I’m not sad. I don’t have regrets. Things just happen. This time, we broke up as friends.

Meroon akong isang gustong maramdaman

Automatic sa akin na kapag aalis ako ng bahay, naka-tuck in ang tyan ko.
Flat,
contracted abdomen,
walang puson.

Hindi ko alam pero nasanay na akong sa tuwing lalabas na ako ng bahay namin, lumiliit ang tyan ko. Flat. Syempre maganda ito. I will appear slimmer than when I’m at home. Sino ba naman ang ayaw ng maliit na tyan, kahit pa puro inhale lang pala ang ginagawa ko. Pero dahil sanay na sanay na ako, hindi ko na talaga alam kung puro inhale lang ang actions ng tyan ko.

Dati, namamangha o (mas kalimitan) nagugulat ako sa mga babaeng kung nasa public area ay puro exhale ang ginagawa. Siguro di rin nila alam na mukha silang forever naka-exhale. Pero di ako natutuwa sa ganoong itsura (tulad ng panty lines na halata, pero ibang usapan na ito). Kaya kahit anong mangyari, lagi kong tina-tuck in ang tyan ko.

Dumating sa point na walang effort na sa akin ang pagiging flat ang tyan. Ito yung time na 23 inches ang waist line ko at 39 kilograms ang weight ko. (You be the judge; maganda ba ito o hindi?) Masaya ako nung time na yun kasi hindi na ako mako-conscious sa mga bilbil ko. Pero dumating din sa point (ngayon) na hirap na hirap na akong itupi ang tyan ko para di halatang 27 inches na ito.

Nagkaroon ng insidente kahapon, nung pauwi na ako at nakasakay sa FX. Hindi ko kinaya ng mga 3 seconds. Bumigay ang aking well trained tyan. Nakita ko ang bulge/s. Kasalanan ito ng Amici Aglio Olio E Pepperoncino. Na-realize ko, sana magkaroon ng pagkakataon na I’ll be free. Free from my inhibitions. Free from my fears to be vulnerable and exposed. Now, I admire those women who doesn’t care. Tumatanda na ako pero di ko pa nagagawa, ang dami ko pa talagang matututunan!

Ngayong nakaupo ako, nakikita ko na naman ang tyan ko. Bilog na bilog. Wala ring pakialam sa mundo kung gaano pa ito kalaki, kabilog o ka-disproportional sa aking katawan. Alam mo kung bakit? Nasa bahay ako. Most probably, this is my safest place on earth. My haven. My comfort zone. Sana dumating ang pagkakataon na may makakasama akong tao o mga tao na kahit wala ako sa bahay ay pwedeng maging 27 inches or more ang tyan ko. Without an ounce of care. O pwede ring magbago sana ang aking mind set.

To all the women who eternally inhales, cheers!
To all the women who comfortably exhales, my hats to you!
To everyone who doesn’t really care, let me learn from you!