Category Archives: Aphorisms

Things that I remember, analyze, dwell, conclude before going to sleep.
In short — stressful things.

Toasted Mamon

Matapos ng limang taon
Meroon na namang pagkakataon
Puso ko’y maaalis sa pagkakakahon.

Kaso lamang, limang taon
Ang tanda ko sa batang iyon
Pag-iisip namin, magkaibang bersyon
At ako lang ang may emosyon.

Pero kahit na ganoon,
Gamitin ko ang imahinasyon
Masayang isiping pwede maging mag-on
Binigyan nya kasi ako ng toasted mamon.


OT not OK

It has been a habit in this clinic that employees would go overtime. Staff’s overtime are paid. Dentists’ overtime are not paid. My boss reasoning for not paying my services after work hours: I get 10% commission. Bull shit. Rendering overtime is not acceptable. Unpaid overtime is exploitation.

I have been working since 7am today and I haven’t slept yet. Our clinic opens at 9am. This means my 7am-9am is also unpaid. The secretary says to not be that greedy and just let these unpaid hours slide. What a loyal employee!

I’m tired but I can’t complain. My boss would frown if I express my distaste with this kind of exploitation. Why am I afraid? If I don’t willingly offer my time and services for free, I will not get full mouth patients in the future. I will not earn. My hands are tied.

The staff is happy. They get paid for waiting for the patient and they get a Php 500 tip from the patient for doing nothing. I can’t think of helping the staff get additional tip today. I’m tired. I need MY time for myself and my love ones after work hours — after 6pm. If my boss needs MY time for the clinic, she has to be decent and pay accordingly. I want to sleep.

But yes, I do have a choice. I handed my boss the privilege to exploit me. This is my fault. And I’m eating my heart out because I’m allowing this. I created my own problem. And I’m tired. This is not okay.

Trapped in my own lacunae

Most of the time, I make my own problems. Just like today when I committed on financially sponsoring people of who I don’t even like and who don’t even deserve my help.

I have been shouldering almost everything in my family’s expenses. This includes not only the needs but also the debts and wants. As you may know already, to get off from having continuous liabilities, I either increase my income or decrease my expenses. Unfortunately to my financial planning (but a good thing for my time), my online bosses decided to reduce my work load; hence decreased personal income. Thus, I do not have any choice but to live way below our means. So this year, we really tried to decrease our consumption and avoided use of credit cards. It seems to be working well but of course my mother who never gets content keep on complaining. But my hands are really tied.

After all the “let’s be thrifty act,” I suddenly became generous to these people and I am really frustrated that I let this happen. All I keep on saying to myself is that:
This is my charity work this year.
This is my charity work this year.
This is my charity work this year.

I can’t believe that I did this. I trapped myself.

Drafts and Dreams

It’s September 2017 and I’m rewriting, rescheduling and re-planning most of my career’s short term goals. Mistakes and delays are acceptable since I have time allowances for those but I am appalled that I am indifferent with such. A classmate of mine told me before that you have to know what you really want and focus on it to get to the end. Because if you do not know what you want, it is very difficult to reach the end. Maybe this is the reason for my procrastination? Am I pursuing something I do not truly desire? I believe this is what I need and want. But I cannot feel it in my heart. I keep planning about this but I do not have the passion to push through. And that is why I’m like this.

Deep inside, there is one thing I hope to have. It is not about my career, health or family. It’s about holding a hand for just a moment and then I am happy. Just the thought of it makes me teary eyes right now. I cannot explain the fulfillment that I will get from it but I do understand that my mind and body will subconsciously do anything to feel that again.

Going back to reality, I need to revisit my excels and drafts and set aside my dreams. The former has a higher probability of happening in this lifetime anyway.

Hold hands

Loveliest letter from Her (2013)

I’m introducing myself to Joaquin Phoenix because every review I go, he is always praised. Thus, I first watched Her (2013) yesterday.

What do I recall about the movie? Basically it’s about relationships but this time intuitive Operating Systems (OS) take part in the relationship. I was curious with:
1 if you have a relationship with an OS/ artificial intelligence, is it real?
2 will it be like a human relationship?
3 is it also bounded by unwritten rules of faithfulness and monogamy?
4 will it survive even without physical presence?

These are the kinds of movies I try to avoid because these bore me. Same reason I haven’t watched the Before Sunset series. But since I’m a fan of Annie Hall, I continued watching Her after 10 minutes.

What saved the movie in my eyes? Acting skills of Joaquin Phoenix (Theodore) and Rooney Mara (Catherine). I appreciate Amy Adams (Amy) as well. My favorite parts are the signing of divorce papers scene (specifically after Catherine signed the document and finished with the flashbacks; her facial reaction was very natural) and the almost break up conversation with Theodore and OS Samantha (after an argument, Theodore and Samantha talked and Samantha said that she now knows why she loves Theodore and Theodore’s face gradually lightened up). There are so many small reactions from Phoenix and Mara that makes everything relatable.

At the end, it was not a waste of my time (thanks to Phoenix, Mara and Adams and well edited scenes and good music score). But I am not comfortable with the idea of a human being getting romantically involved with an OS.

And I was disappointed of the formation of Theodore’s company where they make/ write letters for people. Come on. What happened to people in that world? A person would hire somebody to express what they feel? I understand the possible reasons of doing that but it was plainly insincere for me. But I think this is already happening in the real world now.

I was also disgusted of the scene where Theodore tried to accept a surrogate (a human being who voluntarily agreed to act as a physical body of OS Samantha so they can play house for a moment and possibly be a solution to Samantha’s “I don’t have a body” insecurities). But yes, this also happens. I mean people in a relationship tend to do things that they don’t want to make the other person happy. A trap! For some, the act is sweet but to me doing things you don’t like to satisfy your partner is naive. This will only cause resentment.

With these “don’t likes” in the movie Her, the cast and team of Her elicited certain emotions in me. And I am pleased with movies that make me feel. Although I didn’t cry in this movie, I have a lot of realizations in the movie; realizations that I do hope can help me in my own relationships.

As my title directly said, my goal here is to really attach a letter that I love from the movie. Here goes:

“Theodore: Dear Catherine, I’ve been sitting here thinking about all the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I’m sorry for that. I’ll always love you ‘cause we grew up together and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always, and I’m grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, and wherever you are in the world, I’m sending you love. You’re my friend to the end. Love, Theodore.”

If you haven’t watched the movie, do so; then let’s talk about it. If you have, comment below your thoughts.

I hate my life

I hate my life right now.

Actually it’s more of that I hate the responsibilities that are pushed into my life because of our consequences. It seems I’m feeling this way because I have that sense of entitlement that I don’t deserve this and such. Bull.

I’m not enthusiastic of the Filipino culture wherein you have to take care of your parents. I love to. But I don’t want to feel responsible for their lifestyle. In my situation, it’s like I will not have a life until my parents’ are done.

It’s not a sin to be born into a poor family but when you stay poor even though you have the potential to live a better life, then that’s a very big problem. I will only blame myself.

I’m confused on what to do because I keep considering what my parents would feel. To me it’s black and white. But to a lot of people, I have to dwell into the grey areas as well. I want to help my family but I don’t want to feel that I am responsible of them. They are already adults. If they don’t want to help themselves, why do I get punish?

Why is it that I do my best to be financially stable but my family will find ways to keep me in debt? Why can’t they just live within their means? Why do they have to boast that they have money but it’s actually to my expense?

I have my goals and dreams too. I don’t want to be stuck here forever that I will resent my family for all the missed opportunities that I should have had.

I hate myself for writing this instead of studying for my future.