It’s September 2017 and I’m rewriting, rescheduling and re-planning most of my career’s short term goals. Mistakes and delays are acceptable since I have time allowances for those but I am appalled that I am indifferent with such. A classmate of mine told me before that you have to know what you really want and focus on it to get to the end. Because if you do not know what you want, it is very difficult to reach the end. Maybe this is the reason for my procrastination? Am I pursuing something I do not truly desire? I believe this is what I need and want. But I cannot feel it in my heart. I keep planning about this but I do not have the passion to push through. And that is why I’m like this.
Deep inside, there is one thing I hope to have. It is not about my career, health or family. It’s about holding a hand for just a moment and then I am happy. Just the thought of it makes me teary eyes right now. I cannot explain the fulfillment that I will get from it but I do understand that my mind and body will subconsciously do anything to feel that again.
Going back to reality, I need to revisit my excels and drafts and set aside my dreams. The former has a higher probability of happening in this lifetime anyway.
I’m introducing myself to Joaquin Phoenix because every review I go, he is always praised. Thus, I first watched Her (2013) yesterday.
What do I recall about the movie? Basically it’s about relationships but this time intuitive Operating Systems (OS) take part in the relationship. I was curious with:
1 if you have a relationship with an OS/ artificial intelligence, is it real?
2 will it be like a human relationship?
3 is it also bounded by unwritten rules of faithfulness and monogamy?
4 will it survive even without physical presence?
These are the kinds of movies I try to avoid because these bore me. Same reason I haven’t watched the Before Sunset series. But since I’m a fan of Annie Hall, I continued watching Her after 10 minutes.
What saved the movie in my eyes? Acting skills of Joaquin Phoenix (Theodore) and Rooney Mara (Catherine). I appreciate Amy Adams (Amy) as well. My favorite parts are the signing of divorce papers scene (specifically after Catherine signed the document and finished with the flashbacks; her facial reaction was very natural) and the almost break up conversation with Theodore and OS Samantha (after an argument, Theodore and Samantha talked and Samantha said that she now knows why she loves Theodore and Theodore’s face gradually lightened up). There are so many small reactions from Phoenix and Mara that makes everything relatable.
At the end, it was not a waste of my time (thanks to Phoenix, Mara and Adams and well edited scenes and good music score). But I am not comfortable with the idea of a human being getting romantically involved with an OS.
And I was disappointed of the formation of Theodore’s company where they make/ write letters for people. Come on. What happened to people in that world? A person would hire somebody to express what they feel? I understand the possible reasons of doing that but it was plainly insincere for me. But I think this is already happening in the real world now.
I was also disgusted of the scene where Theodore tried to accept a surrogate (a human being who voluntarily agreed to act as a physical body of OS Samantha so they can play house for a moment and possibly be a solution to Samantha’s “I don’t have a body” insecurities). But yes, this also happens. I mean people in a relationship tend to do things that they don’t want to make the other person happy. A trap! For some, the act is sweet but to me doing things you don’t like to satisfy your partner is naive. This will only cause resentment.
With these “don’t likes” in the movie Her, the cast and team of Her elicited certain emotions in me. And I am pleased with movies that make me feel. Although I didn’t cry in this movie, I have a lot of realizations in the movie; realizations that I do hope can help me in my own relationships.
As my title directly said, my goal here is to really attach a letter that I love from the movie. Here goes:
“Theodore: Dear Catherine, I’ve been sitting here thinking about all the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I’m sorry for that. I’ll always love you ‘cause we grew up together and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always, and I’m grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, and wherever you are in the world, I’m sending you love. You’re my friend to the end. Love, Theodore.”
If you haven’t watched the movie, do so; then let’s talk about it. If you have, comment below your thoughts.
Starting today, I vow that I will not open my Facebook and Instagram accounts because I am wasting my time with these accounts and am getting more superficial. With the hopes that this will make me more focused on my goals, I still hope that I can still find a way to connect with my friends abroad.
Since January 2017, I felt depressed and stressed. Mainly due to my workmates’ uncomforting work ethics and my demand on myself to be excellent. I need the money from work so I can’t just quit anytime. Couple this with my disinterest in people. I am a yes person so this is definitely alarming.
I seem to be surviving but I reached my boiling point this May 2017. Now, I have the dillema to press my standards or just be forgiving and mediocre. It’s difficult to be kind when you’re already fed up. It’s also challenging to care when you try to be less involved so you won’t have to take things seriously. Lesser stress if you don’t get yourself involved right? Lesser bearing if you don’t value it that much right? That’s what I am to avoid: being indifferent at work.
But I’m more important to myself than the people at work. It’s better that I preserve my sanity than be concerned of their and the clinic’s welfare all the time. Accept them for their substandard work than be stressed. Turn the other cheek than be stressed. I don’t want to be like them– less than mediocre. Just thinking about them makes my cortisol level high.
Goodbye sweets, coffee and sleeping late. Hello to exercise.
I jogged for ten minutes. I almost blacked out. For endorphins!
I have a sister. We are not close. We are not friends. But I borrow a lot of clothes from her. Sometimes, I tell her. Sometimes, I sneak around and then of course she will eventually find out. She does it to me too. But her reactions are outrageous.
For most of the time, I don’t really get it. Because, I don’t really think it’s significant. I guess she harbored a lot of ill feelings to me with such small issue.
Do you know the feeling of regret? When I learned that she was about to go, I actually had relief for my parents. But maybe deep inside, I have that relief for myself. You see, I promised myself that I will avoid stressful people. She is stressful to me. And since I no longer have the patience for such, I felt relief that she was about to leave. However, that also means I will no longer have a sister by our side.
She did went to wherever she needed to go. Eventually, she became accustomed to that place really well. She has been enjoying the country she has been staying. The house is more peaceful but with a hint of loneliness — specially during holidays. I now realized why my father did all that he can to make us all stay in one home.
I agree that we choose who we love. But loving a family member is different. It’s as if it’s inert for us to love them no matter what. We don’t get a choice. It’s natural. Our minds are programmed to love them; to automatically support and love them.
For all these mumblings, I just miss my sister. I miss her more than her skinny jeans and casual shirts. I want her home.
I did this last June 12, 2014. I’ll recheck this after a few more years.