Protected: I am drowning

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Skinny Jeans and Casual Shirts

I have a sister. We are not close. We are not friends. But I borrow a lot of clothes from her. Sometimes, I tell her. Sometimes, I sneak around and then of course she will eventually find out. She does it to me too. But her reactions are outrageous.

For most of the time, I don’t really get it. Because, I don’t really think it’s significant. I guess she harbored a lot of ill feelings to me with such small issue.

Do you know the feeling of regret? When I learned that she was about to go, I actually had relief for my parents. But maybe deep inside, I have that relief for myself. You see, I promised myself that I will avoid stressful people. She is stressful to me. And since I no longer have the patience for such, I felt relief that she was about to leave. However, that also means I will no longer have a sister by our side.

She did went to wherever she needed to go. Eventually, she became accustomed to that place really well. She has been enjoying the country she has been staying. The house is more peaceful but with a hint of loneliness — specially during holidays. I now realized why my father did all that he can to make us all stay in one home.

I agree that we choose who we love. But loving a family member is different. It’s as if it’s inert for us to love them no matter what. We don’t get a choice. It’s natural. Our minds are programmed to love them; to automatically support and love them.

For all these mumblings, I just miss my sister. I miss her more than her skinny jeans and casual shirts. I want her home.

Breaking Up With Friends

It just happens. A week ago, you’re both okay; and then one afternoon, you can no longer stretch your patience.

Sometimes, two people have lived their own worlds too long that when they rendezvous, they don’t have the will to forgive and accept. Maybe we have changed that much and no amount of memory can pull us back together.

But I’m glad we are not friends anymore. I’m not sad. I don’t have regrets. Things just happen. This time, we broke up as friends.

Meroon akong isang gustong maramdaman

Automatic sa akin na kapag aalis ako ng bahay, naka-tuck in ang tyan ko.
contracted abdomen,
walang puson.

Hindi ko alam pero nasanay na akong sa tuwing lalabas na ako ng bahay namin, lumiliit ang tyan ko. Flat. Syempre maganda ito. I will appear slimmer than when I’m at home. Sino ba naman ang ayaw ng maliit na tyan, kahit pa puro inhale lang pala ang ginagawa ko. Pero dahil sanay na sanay na ako, hindi ko na talaga alam kung puro inhale lang ang actions ng tyan ko.

Dati, namamangha o (mas kalimitan) nagugulat ako sa mga babaeng kung nasa public area ay puro exhale ang ginagawa. Siguro di rin nila alam na mukha silang forever naka-exhale. Pero di ako natutuwa sa ganoong itsura (tulad ng panty lines na halata, pero ibang usapan na ito). Kaya kahit anong mangyari, lagi kong tina-tuck in ang tyan ko.

Dumating sa point na walang effort na sa akin ang pagiging flat ang tyan. Ito yung time na 23 inches ang waist line ko at 39 kilograms ang weight ko. (You be the judge; maganda ba ito o hindi?) Masaya ako nung time na yun kasi hindi na ako mako-conscious sa mga bilbil ko. Pero dumating din sa point (ngayon) na hirap na hirap na akong itupi ang tyan ko para di halatang 27 inches na ito.

Nagkaroon ng insidente kahapon, nung pauwi na ako at nakasakay sa FX. Hindi ko kinaya ng mga 3 seconds. Bumigay ang aking well trained tyan. Nakita ko ang bulge/s. Kasalanan ito ng Amici Aglio Olio E Pepperoncino. Na-realize ko, sana magkaroon ng pagkakataon na I’ll be free. Free from my inhibitions. Free from my fears to be vulnerable and exposed. Now, I admire those women who doesn’t care. Tumatanda na ako pero di ko pa nagagawa, ang dami ko pa talagang matututunan!

Ngayong nakaupo ako, nakikita ko na naman ang tyan ko. Bilog na bilog. Wala ring pakialam sa mundo kung gaano pa ito kalaki, kabilog o ka-disproportional sa aking katawan. Alam mo kung bakit? Nasa bahay ako. Most probably, this is my safest place on earth. My haven. My comfort zone. Sana dumating ang pagkakataon na may makakasama akong tao o mga tao na kahit wala ako sa bahay ay pwedeng maging 27 inches or more ang tyan ko. Without an ounce of care. O pwede ring magbago sana ang aking mind set.

To all the women who eternally inhales, cheers!
To all the women who comfortably exhales, my hats to you!
To everyone who doesn’t really care, let me learn from you!