It’s September 2017 and I’m rewriting, rescheduling and re-planning most of my career’s short term goals. Mistakes and delays are acceptable since I have time allowances for those but I am appalled that I am indifferent with such. A classmate of mine told me before that you have to know what you really want and focus on it to get to the end. Because if you do not know what you want, it is very difficult to reach the end. Maybe this is the reason for my procrastination? Am I pursuing something I do not truly desire? I believe this is what I need and want. But I cannot feel it in my heart. I keep planning about this but I do not have the passion to push through. And that is why I’m like this.
Deep inside, there is one thing I hope to have. It is not about my career, health or family. It’s about holding a hand for just a moment and then I am happy. Just the thought of it makes me teary eyes right now. I cannot explain the fulfillment that I will get from it but I do understand that my mind and body will subconsciously do anything to feel that again.
Going back to reality, I need to revisit my excels and drafts and set aside my dreams. The former has a higher probability of happening in this lifetime anyway.
I have a sister. We are not close. We are not friends. But I borrow a lot of clothes from her. Sometimes, I tell her. Sometimes, I sneak around and then of course she will eventually find out. She does it to me too. But her reactions are outrageous.
For most of the time, I don’t really get it. Because, I don’t really think it’s significant. I guess she harbored a lot of ill feelings to me with such small issue.
Do you know the feeling of regret? When I learned that she was about to go, I actually had relief for my parents. But maybe deep inside, I have that relief for myself. You see, I promised myself that I will avoid stressful people. She is stressful to me. And since I no longer have the patience for such, I felt relief that she was about to leave. However, that also means I will no longer have a sister by our side.
She did went to wherever she needed to go. Eventually, she became accustomed to that place really well. She has been enjoying the country she has been staying. The house is more peaceful but with a hint of loneliness — specially during holidays. I now realized why my father did all that he can to make us all stay in one home.
I agree that we choose who we love. But loving a family member is different. It’s as if it’s inert for us to love them no matter what. We don’t get a choice. It’s natural. Our minds are programmed to love them; to automatically support and love them.
For all these mumblings, I just miss my sister. I miss her more than her skinny jeans and casual shirts. I want her home.
I did this last June 12, 2014. I’ll recheck this after a few more years.