Tag Archives: Relationships

Drafts and Dreams

It’s September 2017 and I’m rewriting, rescheduling and re-planning most of my career’s short term goals. Mistakes and delays are acceptable since I have time allowances for those but I am appalled that I am indifferent with such. A classmate of mine told me before that you have to know what you really want and focus on it to get to the end. Because if you do not know what you want, it is very difficult to reach the end. Maybe this is the reason for my procrastination? Am I pursuing something I do not truly desire? I believe this is what I need and want. But I cannot feel it in my heart. I keep planning about this but I do not have the passion to push through. And that is why I’m like this.

Deep inside, there is one thing I hope to have. It is not about my career, health or family. It’s about holding a hand for just a moment and then I am happy. Just the thought of it makes me teary eyes right now. I cannot explain the fulfillment that I will get from it but I do understand that my mind and body will subconsciously do anything to feel that again.

Going back to reality, I need to revisit my excels and drafts and set aside my dreams. The former has a higher probability of happening in this lifetime anyway.

Hold hands

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una

Ma: May balita ka ba kay Ree? Kumusta na sya?
spapoj: Wala Ma e.
Ma: Di na kayo friends? Di ba dapat after mag-break, okay pa rin?
spapoj: Ganoon talaga Ma.

Siguro mga tatlong beses ka nang kinumusta ni Mama sa akin. Ang kakaiba lang e di nga yata lumagpas sa dalawang beses yung pagkakataong nagkausap at nagkasama kayo. Kakaiba na kilala ka pa nya.

Totoo: Di ko na maalala kung gaano na katagal. Ang alam ko lang ay matagal na.

Di totoo: Di na kita naalala. Walang araw na pumasok ka sa isip ko mula nang sinabi kong tama na.

Ganoon pala yun. Kaya pala ang daming love songs. Kaya pala may mga ibang level ang kadramahan sa poems, songs, movie etc.(Nakakatawa lang na I Knew You Were Trouble ni Taylor Swift ang music ngayon.) Sabi nga ni Nagato, “You’ll never understand another’s pain unless you experience the same pain.”

Masakit pala.

Buti na lang effective ang “time heals every wound.” Ang tagal nag-heal ng sa akin. Iyo yata nalagyan mo na ng sebo de macho samantalang itong akin, the last time I checked, I’m no longer bleeding palang ang peg. Pero ang mahalaga naman ay mas nagiging okay, di ba?

So, kumusta ka na? Ilang beses ko na-practice sa utak ko dati kung ano sasabihin ko at kung ano ang gagawin ko kapag by any chance ay magkita tayo. Iniisip ko pa kung anong suot ko, anong ayos ng buhok ko, mag-i-English ba ako o hindi. Puro kababawan. Kaso habang tumatagal, wala na akong interest mag-practice nung speech ko. Di ko na rin inaasam maging maganda, mabango, healthy, matalino, perfect sa iyo. Wala na akong pakialam. Ang galing. Liberating palang sabihin na wala akong pakialam sa iyo. Kapag nagkita nga tayo at tinanong kita kung kumusta ka na, wag kang ma-flatter. Hindi ako interisado. I’m just being polite or tanga (again).

Ang malabo lang sa akin ay from time to time ay kinumusta kita kay God. Ang naiisip kong logical reason (o logical nga ba?) ay mahal pa rin kita.

Mahal na in a sense
Na magaan na pakiramdam ko.
Na napatawad ko na tayo.
Na masaya ako para sa iyo.
Na masaya ako para sa sarili ko.
Na kaya ko nang ipagdasal ka at pamilya mo.
Na nagpapasalamat ako sa lahat ng binigay at di mo ibinigay sa akin; masaya man o nakakairita ang outcome.

Pero syempre hindi na yung sana-tayo-ulit-sana-ako-na-lang-sana-ako-na-lang-ulit na pagmamahal. Hindi na ako yun para sa iyo. Hindi na rin ikaw yun para sa akin.

I gained so much after the pain.
I know now what I deserve;
what I can, can’t, should and could give.

Dapat naniwala ako sa isa kong kaibigan na hindi necessary ang “closure.” Ni-research ko nga pala ibig sabihin nyan. Iba- iba meaning sa iba’t ibang tao. Kaya di ko na lang i-elaborate. Anyway, nung day na sinasabi mong you would do me a favor and give me my closure, I was not asking for one. Sorry. Nilinlang kita. Gusto lang talaga kita makasama ulit. That landi and katangahan day actually dawned to necessary realizations:

Kung hindi ka na mahal, hindi ka na mahal. Kahit sabihin pa nya mga dahilan nya, hindi ka pa rin nya mahal o mamahalin ulit. Kaya tumigil ka na.

I don't know the owner of this art. Credits to him/ her.

I don’t know the owner of this art. Credits to him/ her.

Kaya bitaw time na talaga. Bitaw na.

Nung naglalakad tayo papuntang sakayan, may gusto akong sabihin. Pinigilan ko sarili kong sabihin sa iyo unless hindi sincere. Ngayon kaya ko na.

Salamat nang marami sa lahat ng bagay Ree. You are a beautiful person and I will always be your fan, always aspiring everything that is good for you. I hope and pray that you receive those that you pray and deserve. Mami-miss kita.

Ngayon, kapag naalala kita, napapangiti ako.

Skinny Jeans and Casual Shirts

I have a sister. We are not close. We are not friends. But I borrow a lot of clothes from her. Sometimes, I tell her. Sometimes, I sneak around and then of course she will eventually find out. She does it to me too. But her reactions are outrageous.

For most of the time, I don’t really get it. Because, I don’t really think it’s significant. I guess she harbored a lot of ill feelings to me with such small issue.

Do you know the feeling of regret? When I learned that she was about to go, I actually had relief for my parents. But maybe deep inside, I have that relief for myself. You see, I promised myself that I will avoid stressful people. She is stressful to me. And since I no longer have the patience for such, I felt relief that she was about to leave. However, that also means I will no longer have a sister by our side.

She did went to wherever she needed to go. Eventually, she became accustomed to that place really well. She has been enjoying the country she has been staying. The house is more peaceful but with a hint of loneliness — specially during holidays. I now realized why my father did all that he can to make us all stay in one home.

I agree that we choose who we love. But loving a family member is different. It’s as if it’s inert for us to love them no matter what. We don’t get a choice. It’s natural. Our minds are programmed to love them; to automatically support and love them.

For all these mumblings, I just miss my sister. I miss her more than her skinny jeans and casual shirts. I want her home.